dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
