i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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