mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Two words: blizzard sex
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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