Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
