I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I am available for nakedness
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
