I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
