someone owes me an orgasm
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize