i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
