so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
