I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
