It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
