My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She told me I should be a condom model.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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