Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
