Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
