i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
