she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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