he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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