My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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