I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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