My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
