I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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