I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
