yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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