im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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