i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
