I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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