A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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