youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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