Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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