I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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