He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
