come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Farmville is her only friend.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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