i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Your penis caused this!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
