First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
