I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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