Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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