Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
