She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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