yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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