one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
