it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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