i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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