I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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