fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize