I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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