my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
