my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
