LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
