My friends, they love my intelligence
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
