i need an iv and a liver transplant
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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