my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize