hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
