i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
