i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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