birth control should be required to get into college
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
