some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Life is so much better after having sex.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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