Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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